The Secret Policeman’s Waste of Time

I forgot to mention yesterday about the Secret Policeman’s Ball on Sunday night.

For the uninitiated, it’s a comedy concert in aid of Amnesty International, all I can say is that there must be must be prisoners being tortured by Brazilian death squads screaming out for them to insert a red hot spoon up their back passage rather than watch another minute of this drivel.

Frank Skinner (was funny for 2 minutes about 15 years ago) did this rambling sketch about having bum sex with a groupie which went nowhere, and when he finished there was a good 5 second pause before anybody realised that it had ended before he shuffled awkwardly off stage like a man with an erection at a funeral.

Mitchell and Webb eeked out the Nazi sketch that they have done about 20 times before, the two helmets from Gavin and Stacey leaped around the stage for 5 minutes like hyperactive children who had been mainlining Sunny Delight, followed by Fearne Cotton (who has the intellect and charisma of a Fridge Magnet and keeps sliding down the Fridge Door), and then for the crowning turd in the water closet, Razorlight came on.

I didn’t realise that to highlight torture throughout the globe you needed to subject the audience to it in the form of godawful light entertainment.

Bring back Bernie Winters and that bloke with the ostrich.